What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Dear Jessica, 

I am going to be quite frank. I am dating my friend’s ex. They dated about two years ago for about a year and mutually decided that it was not working (or that is what was told to me by my friend). I recently ran into him (her ex) downtown about a month ago. At first it did feel very awkward but after a long night of cocktails and catching up, sparks ignited and we have been inseparable ever since. Though I feel like I am betraying my friend, I don’t want to miss out on someone that could be the love of my life. She is dear to my heart and I feel that we are serious enough for me to tell her that we are dating. Though it may break the unspoken code that comes with friendship and respect, is it really that bad if I feel this strongly for this person? Please help! 

 

Her EX. My Boyfriend.

Dear Her EX. My Boyfriend,

The only thing to do at this point is to sit down with your friend and confess your secret. Only then will you know what to do. If her reaction is positive and states she feels nothing towards him anymore and that she does not mind, then you can move on with him. If her reaction is negative and says she cannot believe you have done this to her, you can decide if you will choose your friend or your new man, her ex.

Personally, I could not date any of my friend’s exes. For one, none of us has the same taste in men (thank goodness!), and secondly, there are just way too many fortune cookies in the bowl for me to choose from, instead of taking the one she already unwrapped, cracked open, read the fortune and left as waste on the table. Plus, she already read me the fortune out loud and we already agreed it wasn’t that great!

To each his own! One woman’s scrap is another’s fortune.

Jessica, 

After 11 years of marriage and two kids, I recently found out that my husband has been cheating on me for the past five months. I didn’t “discover” it, he confessed to me, and claims that he is over his affair and that he only ever started seeing another woman because we hadn’t been intimate in way too long. About a year ago, I got laid off and have since been working two jobs. I am often on my way to work before he wakes up, or coming home way too tired to cook, let alone exert myself in the bedroom. I still love my husband and he claims he still feels the same way about me. We’d like to try and make things work between us, and I feel that I might be able to trust him since he did confess. But I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same. I’m constantly blaming myself for neglecting that area in our lives but I’d hate to break our family apart. Our children, just 4 and 9, need us both…and so do I. 

 

–Is there hope?

Dear Is There Hope,

My first reaction to your story was, “Why is she the one working two jobs?”

And my next reaction was, “If he had the two jobs and she weren’t getting enough sex, would it have been okay for her to sleep around FOR FIVE MONTHS???” Absolutely not!

I am not going to pretend to know what it is like to be married for 11 years and have two children, but I will say I can only imagine that if this happened to me, I would definitely be out the door (well, actually, he would have to leave the house). There is no excuse for cheating. He should have come to you the moment he felt the need to go with someone else. If this “no sex” really bothered him so much, why is the first time you are hearing about it five months too late? Your husband is selfish. He gives up too quickly on what a lifetime commitment is supposed to define.

You are going to do what you want, but my advice (since you are asking for it) is to leave him. The reality of cheating is that you may forgive him and tell yourself you can forget about it, but you won’t. I took a poll with five of my girlfriends (who are all married) and asked them about their husbands and cheating. Out of the five, three admitted their husbands had cheated. I asked them about the aftermath and the obvious forgiveness that took place and all three said they struggle with the thought of the affair every day of their lives. Two of them suppress it so much, they suffer from headaches and stress and the other brings it up constantly and can’t get it out of her head. There is no way I could live like this.

You must first think about the children and what they will be exposed to if you stay. If you feel you can carry on with him knowing he betrayed you, your children, your unity and your commitment, then go for it. If you do forgive him, though, he must be punished. He must prove to you this will never happen again. Or there is an alternative. He must allow you to cheat for five months. When five months is done with, you can start all over again. I cannot guarantee this will make the situation better, but it can certainly serve as your reset button. It’s up to you.

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